After Sudden Infant Death -- Facing Anniversaries, Holidays, and Special Events
This publication was developed under contract# HRSA-24088-0068 and published by the National Sudden Infant Death Syndrome Resource Center. The National Sudden
Infant Death Syndrome Resource Center is funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Public Health Service, Health Resources and Services
Administration, Maternal and Child Health Bureau. The Resource Center is operated by Circle Solutions, Inc.
Now it's hard
to go down the baby aisle at the
supermarket
to drive around town and find out that
life goes on
to walk up on someone sleeping
to see pregnant women
to see ambulances
to see small babies
to see little girls
to hear babies cry
to hear sirens
to get through the holidays
to get through birthdays
to get through the first day of school
to get through the day ...
Printed with permission from We Bring her Flowers, poems by Sharon Dunn
This handout is dedicated to parents who have experienced the painful times during anniversaries, holidays and special events after losing their baby suddenly.
The sudden death of your baby is a shock for you, your family, and your friends. Every detail of what happened plays over and over in your mind. The loss hurts deep inside,
and sometimes you can't stand the pain. It is hard to believe that your baby is dead. You dearly want your baby back. Grieving can be very personal and lonely.
Facing anniversaries, holidays, and special events is a painful fact of life after your baby has died. These occasions often test already fragile and weakened spirits.
You try to piece together clues, signs, or reasons why your baby died. You talk to other people about your baby. You may find this hard and tiring.
Losing track of time and being unable to perform simple activities are normal after a baby dies. The daily routine changes in a lot of ways. Regular activities such as weekly
grocery shopping or visits with friends or family become more difficult.
After a while, you will probably resume some of your usual activities. But, you also may decide that some activities are too painful, such as visiting friends with children and
seeing them at play. But these choices will be yours.
ANNIVERSARIES, HOLIDAYS, AND SPECIAL EVENTS
Families observe cultural and religious traditions on occasions such as reunions, weddings, graduations, and anniversaries. During the days and weeks after the baby dies,
there will be special events that will certainly be different without your baby. You will face celebrations that focus on the joy of children such as Christmas, Mother's Day,
Father's Day, and Halloween. Holiday reminders will be all around you in the stores, on television, and in newspapers and magazines. Holidays and special events are
reminders that life goes on around you. You will be torn between how holidays and festive occasions are normally celebrated and how you are gong to celebrate them without
your baby. You may feel anxious, sad, and empty and may long to have your baby be part of the special times that usually involve the whole family. Some people may not
understand your need to talk about and remember your baby at these times because they want you to "get on with your life." You may want to talk about the loss of your baby
for a long time. This does not mean that you are not recovering and coping with the death.
WHAT TO EXPECT AS YOU FACE THE SPECIAL TIMES
The first year after your baby's death will be the hardest, and your baby's first birthday and the anniversary of his or her death may be two very difficult times.
Even if you seem better, the sadness and pain may return. It will be hard to be around other children, especially babies. These are normal feelings.
It is OK to celebrate and enjoy these times. It is OK to laugh and cry at the same time. You can go from laughing to crying very quickly.
Other children in your family will need help during the holidays to celebrate as they have in the past or to understand why things are different.
Some parents...
...choose to celebrate and participate in these occasions as they always have in the past, but find it is a struggle. Sometimes they even avoid talking about the baby who died.
...choose to do completely different things during the holidays and special events. They may not participate in any of the usual activities or traditions.
...try to balance their participation in holiday activities and cope with the pain and sadness of missing their baby.
These are difficult and personal choices.
Remember:
· What you and your family decide to do for anniversaries, during the holidays, or for special events is your choice.
· Your participation in these events may be very different during the first year or so. After a while, you may go back to normal activities or permanently change how you
remember some holidays and special occasions.
· Celebrating holidays and special events will reflect your cultural background and traditions. It is important for you to value these traditions because they are part of your
life during happy and sad times.
FAMILY GATHERINGS
Families gather for both sad and happy occasions. Happy times and sad times often bring families closer together. Holidays, weddings, graduations, and reunions are times
for celebrations. Everyone is expected to be happy. Relatives and friends want you to join in as you have in the past. Family and friends usually provide the most comfort and
listen to you as you try to cope with your loss. But even the closest of relatives and friends cannot completely understand the hurt that you feel.
Friends and relatives want...
to take your pain away ...to offer you HOPE for better times ... to see you "back to normal again" ... to help you "forget about what happened."
But...
no one can take your pain away ... there will be better times, but they will be different without your baby ... your life does not feel like it will ever be "normal" again ... you will
never forget your baby.
MAKING SPECIAL TIMES EASIER
As you approach an anniversary, holiday, or special event, do something to remember your baby and to help ease your anxiety. Thinking about how you are going to handle
such an occasion is often worse than the actual event. For example, having a memorial service or going to the cemetery before the occasion might comfort you. Realize that
sadness and confusion may remain with you during these times. Feelings of anger, pain, and loss of control do not necessarily mean that you are not recovering from the
loss. Make changes in the way you celebrate holidays and special events. These changes may be temporary or permanent. Take care to remember that other children and
family members will want to continue to celebrate the occasion as usual. Start a new tradition in memory of your baby. Talk or write to other parents whose baby has died.
Find out how they have coped with the special occasions.
Celebrating the special times does not mean forgetting about your baby...
MEMORIES
The memories you have of anniversaries, holidays, and special events are of celebrations and family times together. Now you face these times feeling empty without your
baby. You have a different outlook about such occasions and may have images of how you would have shared the moments with your baby. While sadness will remain with
you forever, the memories of your baby are some of the most important "keepsakes" you will have. You can treasure them. You can share them with others. Family and
friends often feel they will cause you more pain by talking about your baby. Let them know if you want to talk and together you can build memories. As time passes, happy
memories of your baby will gradually replace the sad ones, and you will be able to laugh again.
What we have once enjoyed
and deeply loved we can never lose,
for all that we love deeply
becomes a part of us.
--Helen Keller
Light a candle for hope, for
remembrance. No matter where you are,
or which holiday it is for you, light a
candle for love, it is the greatest
light of all.
--Darcie Sims and Andrea Gambill
The quotes from Sims and Gambill are taken from Tinsel and Tears, Bereavement Publishing Inc., 8133 Telegraph Drive, Colorado Springs, CO 80920
Grief Support for Family