Grief Support for Family
Taking Care Of Yourself -- Family
In caring for ourselves we need to identify those activities that are healing to us, as well as those areas that may hinder our healing, and cope with each appropriately.
• give yourself permission, time, and space to grieve
• don't pretend death doesn't hurt
• feel free to protest the "why" of the death
• don't judge your level of grief and healing by how others are grieving and healing, but by your own internal awareness
• understand and accept your limitations
• respect the grieving method and timetable of your spouse
• don't escape into loneliness
• get rid of imagined guilt and "if onlys"
• laughter doesn't mean you are being disrespectful to your child's memory
• confront the fears of your death and the death of other loved ones
• cry
• honestly express your feelings about this death to people who will understand and not be judgmental, and who will not be hurt by your honest expression of feelings
• eat nutritiously, consider using a vitamin supplement
• not crying doesn't mean you don't remember
• it is fine to either enjoy being around other people's babies, or to be uncomfortable
• exercise to improve sleep
• set small goals
• accept others' verbal, non-verbal, and physical expressions of caring for you
• postpone major decisions, such as selling your home or changing jobs
• the decision to have or not have another child is yours alone
• the question "how many children do you have?" is a difficult one, and you may find yourself answering it in the manner which best fits the situation and/or your own
needs at the time
• take a break from intensity and exposure to pain
• consider participation in support groups; grief shared can be grief diminished
• avoid masking the pain with drugs or alcohol
• give yourself permission to backslide
• recognize that seeking professional counseling doesn't mean you are weak, inadequate, or crazy
• use religion, philosophy, poetry, music, art, gardening, tennis, walks at nature centers, reading, volunteer work, etc. to gain relief and understanding
• accept your friends with all their imperfections and occasional bad advice; you, too, have your moments of imperfection
• tell others what you want from them -- help, emotional support, time-sharing
• continue to participate in activities that are fun for you and with people who are special to you; don't underestimate the effects of small pleasures
• recognize you may not always want to talk about your baby; sometimes there is great relief being where no one knows you've lost a child
• realize you cannot prevent, cure, or skip the grief process -- the only way OUT is THROUGH
The above is a compilation of excerpts of articles by the following:
"Caring for the Caregiver", Barbara Swenson, RN, MN
"What Do We Need During Grief?", Judith Herr, MSW
"Ten Guidelines for Dealing With Grief", TCF, Austin, TX
(excerpts reprinted with permission of authors)