The Grieving Process
Parents Grief
Most parents who experience the death of a child describe the pain that follows as the most intense they have ever experienced. Many parents wonder if they will be able to
tolerate the pain, to survive it, and to be able to feel life has meaning again. The intense pain parents experience may be eased somewhat if they know what has helped other
families overcome a similar grief.
Emotions that may be experienced include sadness, guilt, anger, and fear. Sadness is a normal emotion felt as a result of your loss. Parents may blame themselves for
something they did or neglected to do. “If only” becomes a familiar phrase. Parents may feel angry at themselves, their spouse, the physician, or their baby for having died.
Parents might find themselves angry at God, and religious beliefs may be questioned. Many parents experience an overall sense of fear that something else horrible is going
to happen. Grieving parents often fear they are “going crazy.” These are all normal reactions.
After the initial shock and numbness of the first few days begin to wear off, parents find they are left with prolonged depression. There are “ups-and-downs” that can be
brought on by giveaways of baby products; thoughtless or innocent remarks from persons who do not understand; or by the parents, remembering it is the same day of the
week or date the baby died. At the low points it is often very helpful for them to talk to another parent who lost a child suddenly and unexpectedly. For some families support
may be obtained from friends or relatives, the clergy, physicians, counselors or other health professionals who have helped others in similar situations.
Some parents find it difficult to concentrate for any length of time, making it hard to read, write or make decisions. Some people experience sensations of dizziness or pressure
in the head. These feelings are common in grief and do not indicate the person is losing mental balance.
Sleep is difficult, leaving parents fatigued. If they have a family to care for or a job to get back to, they may need temporary assistance from their doctor in the form of mild
medication to help them rest. Even with sleep, the feeling of exhaustion may persist.
Those in grief often experience muscular problems or other physical symptoms centering around the heart or stomach. Often they have no appetite, and they eat only
because they know they must. They feel “tied in knots” inside. Mothers nearly always say their arms “ache” to hold the baby.
Parents may have an irresistible urge to get away, a fear or dread of being alone, or unreasonable fears of danger. If they have other children, parents fear for their safety,
yet at the same time they may be afraid of or shun the responsibility of caring for them. Even with this extreme concern about their children, parents may be irritated or
impatient with the children’s behavior.
Some parents rely heavily on family and friends, but at the same time they may resent the help and even feel guilty about their feelings. The situation is made even more
difficult when friends or relatives trying to help seem to say the wrong things or appear not to understand.
Grief Reactions of Parents May Be Different
Mothers and fathers express their grief in different ways. This fact is not always understood. For instance, mothers generally need to “talk out” their grief, while fathers tend to
suffer in silence.
Parents working outside the home are diverted by their work, while parents working as homemakers are surrounded by constant reminders. Fathers may find it more difficult to
ask for help and support from others and may seek diversions through their work; they may even take on extra work to escape “thinking about it all the time”.
Often the loss of the baby is the first grief situation either parent has experienced. Grief is so intense they find themselves struggling for ways to relate to each other as well as
to their friends and relatives. In order to prevent misunderstanding, most families find it helpful to maintain an atmosphere in which their feelings can be discussed openly, even
though it is difficult.
Children’s Reactions to Death
Brothers and sisters will also be affected deeply by the death of the baby. Smaller children who are too young for explanations need only to be shown love and affection by
their parents. They may have some very frightening thoughts they cannot express. (Did I cause the baby to die? Will I die too? Will Mommy and Daddy die? Am I still a big
sister or brother? Who will take care of me now?) They may cling to their parents and do other things to get attention. It is most important for them to know they are loved and
secure.
Older brothers and sisters experience grief reactions which may vary depending on their ages and past experiences. Sometimes they feel guilty because they mistakenly think
they may have caused the baby’s death. They may be very sad or may appear not to have any feelings.
Children should be told as much about the facts as they are able to understand. All older family members should be open to expressing their thoughts and feelings. This
openness will enable the children to express how they feel and to ask questions about the death. It is best not to say, “The baby went away” or “The baby is sleeping in peace.”
Many youngsters have been sources of strength for their families. They have written poetry and often exhibit simple, unshakable faith about the pattern of life and death. Some
children, on the other hand, because of circumstances of age or emotional makeup, have felt terrible insecurity after a sibling’s death. This loss of security has manifested
itself in nightmares, bet wetting, difficulty in school and other disturbances. Any such problems should be discussed with the child’s doctor.
Lines of communication about the death should be kept open for years since children’s questions and ability to understand change as they develop. They will need more
complete information over time.
Parents Grief
Most parents who experience the death of a child describe the pain that follows as the most intense they have ever experienced. Many parents wonder if they will be able to
tolerate the pain, to survive it, and to be able to feel life has meaning again. The intense pain parents experience may be eased somewhat if they know what has helped other
families overcome a similar grief.
Emotions that may be experienced include sadness, guilt, anger, and fear. Sadness is a normal emotion felt as a result of your loss. Parents may blame themselves for
something they did or neglected to do. “If only” becomes a familiar phrase. Parents may feel angry at themselves, their spouse, the physician, or their baby for having died.
Parents might find themselves angry at God, and religious beliefs may be questioned. Many parents experience an overall sense of fear that something else horrible is going
to happen. Grieving parents often fear they are “going crazy.” These are all normal reactions.
After the initial shock and numbness of the first few days begin to wear off, parents find they are left with prolonged depression. There are “ups-and-downs” that can be
brought on by giveaways of baby products; thoughtless or innocent remarks from persons who do not understand; or by the parents, remembering it is the same day of the
week or date the baby died. At the low points it is often very helpful for them to talk to another parent who lost a child suddenly and unexpectedly. For some families support
may be obtained from friends or relatives, the clergy, physicians, counselors or other health professionals who have helped others in similar situations.
Some parents find it difficult to concentrate for any length of time, making it hard to read, write or make decisions. Some people experience sensations of dizziness or pressure
in the head. These feelings are common in grief and do not indicate the person is losing mental balance.
Sleep is difficult, leaving parents fatigued. If they have a family to care for or a job to get back to, they may need temporary assistance from their doctor in the form of mild
medication to help them rest. Even with sleep, the feeling of exhaustion may persist.
Those in grief often experience muscular problems or other physical symptoms centering around the heart or stomach. Often they have no appetite, and they eat only
because they know they must. They feel “tied in knots” inside. Mothers nearly always say their arms “ache” to hold the baby.
Parents may have an irresistible urge to get away, a fear or dread of being alone, or unreasonable fears of danger. If they have other children, parents fear for their safety,
yet at the same time they may be afraid of or shun the responsibility of caring for them. Even with this extreme concern about their children, parents may be irritated or
impatient with the children’s behavior.
Some parents rely heavily on family and friends, but at the same time they may resent the help and even feel guilty about their feelings. The situation is made even more
difficult when friends or relatives trying to help seem to say the wrong things or appear not to understand.
Grief Reactions of Parents May Be Different
Mothers and fathers express their grief in different ways. This fact is not always understood. For instance, mothers generally need to “talk out” their grief, while fathers tend to
suffer in silence.
Parents working outside the home are diverted by their work, while parents working as homemakers are surrounded by constant reminders. Fathers may find it more difficult to
ask for help and support from others and may seek diversions through their work; they may even take on extra work to escape “thinking about it all the time”.
Often the loss of the baby is the first grief situation either parent has experienced. Grief is so intense they find themselves struggling for ways to relate to each other as well as
to their friends and relatives. In order to prevent misunderstanding, most families find it helpful to maintain an atmosphere in which their feelings can be discussed openly, even
though it is difficult.
Children’s Reactions to Death
Brothers and sisters will also be affected deeply by the death of the baby. Smaller children who are too young for explanations need only to be shown love and affection by
their parents. They may have some very frightening thoughts they cannot express. (Did I cause the baby to die? Will I die too? Will Mommy and Daddy die? Am I still a big
sister or brother? Who will take care of me now?) They may cling to their parents and do other things to get attention. It is most important for them to know they are loved and
secure.
Older brothers and sisters experience grief reactions which may vary depending on their ages and past experiences. Sometimes they feel guilty because they mistakenly think
they may have caused the baby’s death. They may be very sad or may appear not to have any feelings.
Children should be told as much about the facts as they are able to understand. All older family members should be open to expressing their thoughts and feelings. This
openness will enable the children to express how they feel and to ask questions about the death. It is best not to say, “The baby went away” or “The baby is sleeping in peace.”
Many youngsters have been sources of strength for their families. They have written poetry and often exhibit simple, unshakable faith about the pattern of life and death. Some
children, on the other hand, because of circumstances of age or emotional makeup, have felt terrible insecurity after a sibling’s death. This loss of security has manifested
itself in nightmares, bet wetting, difficulty in school and other disturbances. Any such problems should be discussed with the child’s doctor.
Lines of communication about the death should be kept open for years since children’s questions and ability to understand change as they develop. They will need more
complete information over time.
Grief Support for Parents
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