Sibling Grief
Children grow at their own pace. They must also grieve at their own pace, and in their own way. Give them some room and time. Let them know you love them -- that the
family is still a unit that cares for each of its members.
• Listen with your heart.
• Parents have a habit of trying to "make it better". You can't make this one better, but a hug and a kiss wouldn't hurt.
• Previous problems don't vanish.
• When a sibling dies, a child must face his/her own mortality. Generally, siblings won't talk about their mortality fears, and many end up just not talking.
There are many expressions for a sibling's grief:
• Anger - they can't get along with anyone.
• Medications - with alcohol or drugs, prescribed or not.
• Energy - constantly on the go, tackling big, heavy jobs.
• Dangerous behavior - acting out with cars, sports.
• Withdraw - if I build a wall around me, no one can reach in to hurt me.
• Flounder - at school, at work, socially, a sibling may become less productive than before.
• Protective - children often become "parents to their parents". They cannot honestly let go for fear of upsetting us. They may try to make everything the way it was.
• Imitation - surviving siblings may try to "become" their brother or sister. Adopting mannerisms, wearing clothing that belonged to the dead child, taking on his/her
hobbies may bring comfort.
Changing your role in the family, going from second to oldest child is difficult. Becoming the only child is exceptionally hard.
It's easier to handle what you know. Don't hide the truth about your child's death. Be open. Be honest.
Reaching the age at which a sibling died is scary.
Teens and young adults don't seem to attend meetings (such as The Compassionate Friends) regularly. They're more apt to open up to a friend.
As steel and glass are made stronger by going through fire, there seem to be strengthening effects on those children who have suffered the death of a brother or sister.
• They have faced grown-up issues early.
• They know the importance of the family, as a gift to be cherished.
• They know life is precious.
• They are generally more sensitive and compassionate than most kids.
• They have a different perspective on life.
Information provided by: Joan Schmidt, Spotswood, N. J., TCS Chapter.
Children grow at their own pace. They must also grieve at their own pace, and in their own way. Give them some room and time. Let them know you love them -- that the
family is still a unit that cares for each of its members.
• Listen with your heart.
• Parents have a habit of trying to "make it better". You can't make this one better, but a hug and a kiss wouldn't hurt.
• Previous problems don't vanish.
• When a sibling dies, a child must face his/her own mortality. Generally, siblings won't talk about their mortality fears, and many end up just not talking.
There are many expressions for a sibling's grief:
• Anger - they can't get along with anyone.
• Medications - with alcohol or drugs, prescribed or not.
• Energy - constantly on the go, tackling big, heavy jobs.
• Dangerous behavior - acting out with cars, sports.
• Withdraw - if I build a wall around me, no one can reach in to hurt me.
• Flounder - at school, at work, socially, a sibling may become less productive than before.
• Protective - children often become "parents to their parents". They cannot honestly let go for fear of upsetting us. They may try to make everything the way it was.
• Imitation - surviving siblings may try to "become" their brother or sister. Adopting mannerisms, wearing clothing that belonged to the dead child, taking on his/her
hobbies may bring comfort.
Changing your role in the family, going from second to oldest child is difficult. Becoming the only child is exceptionally hard.
It's easier to handle what you know. Don't hide the truth about your child's death. Be open. Be honest.
Reaching the age at which a sibling died is scary.
Teens and young adults don't seem to attend meetings (such as The Compassionate Friends) regularly. They're more apt to open up to a friend.
As steel and glass are made stronger by going through fire, there seem to be strengthening effects on those children who have suffered the death of a brother or sister.
• They have faced grown-up issues early.
• They know the importance of the family, as a gift to be cherished.
• They know life is precious.
• They are generally more sensitive and compassionate than most kids.
• They have a different perspective on life.
Information provided by: Joan Schmidt, Spotswood, N. J., TCS Chapter.
Grief Support for Children & Siblings
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