The Impact Of Grief In Special Parenting Situations
"When a child dies, inevitably there will be additional factors that will impinge on the parent's grief experience. Some of these will be negative…(and) sometimes, these factors
will be positive." (Rando 1986, 31)
The tragedy of a child's death brings profound pain to all affected, and it presents incredibly difficult and unusual problems for grieving parents. For some parents, the
effects of such a complicated and devastating tragedy can be further compounded when the death occurs in what are already trying family situations. There are some
parents for whom there is no established "circle of concern"; there are some parents for whom there is no safety net; there are some parenting situations that are outside the
domain of the typical support network; and there are some parents who choose to reject this network for their own reasons.
A child's death may present unique dilemmas for:
• Single parents who are often self-supporting and may be more isolated and ignored.
• Unmarried parents who may already have experienced the disfavor of family and others.
• Teenage parents whose grief is often not validated because of their situation or their youth.
• Parents in stressful financial situations whose struggle to satisfy their most basic needs may cause them to stifle or ignore their need to grieve and for whom loss is a
constantly repeated theme.
• Divorced parents and parents in blended or nontraditional families who may require unique responses or resources.
• Step-parents whose grief may not be understood or appreciated.
• Adoptive parents who may be expected to grieve less than birth parents because their "bond" with the child is perceived to be less intense.
• Foster parents who are not thought to have the same "right" to grieve as birth parents.
• Parents who experience the death of the only child they may ever have and who also grieve for the loss of their parenting role.
• Parents losing a child who is one in a multiple birth and who are faced with the double task of saying "goodbye to the baby who has died and yet…still loving and caring
for the baby who is living"(Hosford 1994, 1).
• Parents who are removed or estranged from typical and traditional support systems.
• Parents whose language, cultural traditions, and/or beliefs are largely unrecognized or misunderstood by the society. Parents in homeless shelters, prisons, jails, or
other institutions whose needs require unique
• consideration and creative responses. Parents with substance abuse problems whose child may have faced medical and/or developmental problems and who often
must deal with guilt and other complex and overwhelming problems when a child dies.
All of the grieving parents identified above as well as parents in many other situations may find their grief unusually complicated. They may discover the responses of others
to be less concerned and may find support networks less readily available. These parents may not receive the same validation as parents in traditional nuclear families, and
the needs and wishes of parents in these unique and complex situations may sometimes be ignored or misunderstood. Parental experiences, coping strategies, and cultural
differences vary widely. At the same time, these parents may not have the same access to, need for, or reliance on peer or other support groups. Obtaining transportation
or babysitters so they can attend meetings may be an impossibility for some parents. Still others may reject such support networks and depend solely on family,
neighborhood, or church networks as the best support system for them. Parental bereavement support groups are not for everyone.
All of the parents exemplified here find themselves in special situations affecting their personal grief experience, how others react to their grief, and the type of support and/or
intervention needed to help them resolve their grief. However, these parents are the fathers and mothers of the child who died; they are the ones who have nurtured, cared
for, and loved that child. The sense of absolute emptiness, the lack of wholeness, and the feeling of diminishment after the death of a child are felt by all parents, regardless
of marital status; age; language; financial or social circumstances; biological relation to the child; or cultural, racial, or religious background. Despite the differences among
these groups in their responses and needs, all have one major need in common -- their grief is intense and must be acknowledged.
"There is no relationship like that of parent and child. It is unique and special…The bond between parent and child is so powerful that its strength endures time, distance, and
strife. No loss is as significant as the loss of a child…On the death of a child, a parent feels less than whole." (Arnold and Gemma 1994, 25-27)
Printed with permission from the booklet "The Death of a Child" - "The Grief of the Parents: A Lifetime Journey" produced by the National SIDS Resource Center, Vienna, VA.
"When a child dies, inevitably there will be additional factors that will impinge on the parent's grief experience. Some of these will be negative…(and) sometimes, these factors
will be positive." (Rando 1986, 31)
The tragedy of a child's death brings profound pain to all affected, and it presents incredibly difficult and unusual problems for grieving parents. For some parents, the
effects of such a complicated and devastating tragedy can be further compounded when the death occurs in what are already trying family situations. There are some
parents for whom there is no established "circle of concern"; there are some parents for whom there is no safety net; there are some parenting situations that are outside the
domain of the typical support network; and there are some parents who choose to reject this network for their own reasons.
A child's death may present unique dilemmas for:
• Single parents who are often self-supporting and may be more isolated and ignored.
• Unmarried parents who may already have experienced the disfavor of family and others.
• Teenage parents whose grief is often not validated because of their situation or their youth.
• Parents in stressful financial situations whose struggle to satisfy their most basic needs may cause them to stifle or ignore their need to grieve and for whom loss is a
constantly repeated theme.
• Divorced parents and parents in blended or nontraditional families who may require unique responses or resources.
• Step-parents whose grief may not be understood or appreciated.
• Adoptive parents who may be expected to grieve less than birth parents because their "bond" with the child is perceived to be less intense.
• Foster parents who are not thought to have the same "right" to grieve as birth parents.
• Parents who experience the death of the only child they may ever have and who also grieve for the loss of their parenting role.
• Parents losing a child who is one in a multiple birth and who are faced with the double task of saying "goodbye to the baby who has died and yet…still loving and caring
for the baby who is living"(Hosford 1994, 1).
• Parents who are removed or estranged from typical and traditional support systems.
• Parents whose language, cultural traditions, and/or beliefs are largely unrecognized or misunderstood by the society. Parents in homeless shelters, prisons, jails, or
other institutions whose needs require unique
• consideration and creative responses. Parents with substance abuse problems whose child may have faced medical and/or developmental problems and who often
must deal with guilt and other complex and overwhelming problems when a child dies.
All of the grieving parents identified above as well as parents in many other situations may find their grief unusually complicated. They may discover the responses of others
to be less concerned and may find support networks less readily available. These parents may not receive the same validation as parents in traditional nuclear families, and
the needs and wishes of parents in these unique and complex situations may sometimes be ignored or misunderstood. Parental experiences, coping strategies, and cultural
differences vary widely. At the same time, these parents may not have the same access to, need for, or reliance on peer or other support groups. Obtaining transportation
or babysitters so they can attend meetings may be an impossibility for some parents. Still others may reject such support networks and depend solely on family,
neighborhood, or church networks as the best support system for them. Parental bereavement support groups are not for everyone.
All of the parents exemplified here find themselves in special situations affecting their personal grief experience, how others react to their grief, and the type of support and/or
intervention needed to help them resolve their grief. However, these parents are the fathers and mothers of the child who died; they are the ones who have nurtured, cared
for, and loved that child. The sense of absolute emptiness, the lack of wholeness, and the feeling of diminishment after the death of a child are felt by all parents, regardless
of marital status; age; language; financial or social circumstances; biological relation to the child; or cultural, racial, or religious background. Despite the differences among
these groups in their responses and needs, all have one major need in common -- their grief is intense and must be acknowledged.
"There is no relationship like that of parent and child. It is unique and special…The bond between parent and child is so powerful that its strength endures time, distance, and
strife. No loss is as significant as the loss of a child…On the death of a child, a parent feels less than whole." (Arnold and Gemma 1994, 25-27)
Printed with permission from the booklet "The Death of a Child" - "The Grief of the Parents: A Lifetime Journey" produced by the National SIDS Resource Center, Vienna, VA.
Grief Support for Parents
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