Grief Support for Family
The Impact Of SIDS On Parents, Families, And The Community
SIDS [is a] medical enigma and a social problem....social consequences of SIDS include suspicion on the part of law enforcement personnel, marital disruption, change of
residence, and uncertainty with regard to future pregnancies (Peterson, in Bracken, 1984).
Any sudden, unexpected death threatens one's sense of safety and security. We are forced to confront our own mortality (Corr, 1991). This is particularly true in a sudden
infant death. Quite simply, babies are not supposed to die. Because the death of an infant is a disruption of the natural order, it is especially traumatic for parents, family,
and friends.
Losing a child to SIDS is a unique crisis for a family, for the child has died suddenly, unexpectedly, and for no apparent reason (DeFrain, 1991). The death of a baby from
SIDS often occurs at home and the parents or caregivers are stunned to discover the lifeless infant. There is no time for them to prepare, and there is no adequate
explanation for the death. In addition, the involvement of the legal system often means loss of privacy and may lead to community suspicion and rejection.
Common Grief Reactions of Parents to the Loss of a Child
Very often the loss of an infant is a couple's first encounter with death and personal loss. The first few months after a baby's birth are filled with happiness and characterized
by growing psychological and biological attachments between parents and their child. Suddenly, an apparently healthy infant is dead. The death occurred after the baby was
put down for sleep, usually at home--a time and place traditionally associated with security and safety. That life ended before it had really begun, and all parental
expectations ended abruptly.
Bewilderment and numbness characterize early parental reactions to a child's death. Because their baby's death cannot be explained, parents often blame themselves, and
they may even blame each other. They may consider themselves failures and question their ability as parents because they did not recognize any warning signs and thus
did not take steps to protect their baby.
After the initial shock begins to wear off, parents may fall into a prolonged depression, may find it difficult to concentrate for any length of time, and may feel tired and
irritable as a result of their sleep disruption. Parents may experience an irresistible urge to escape. Grieving parents sometimes experience muscular problems or other
physical symptoms. Eating habits may become upset. Loss of appetite is common for some, while others may eat to excess.
It is normal for mothers and fathers to express their grief in different ways. For instance, women are more inclined to cry and to "talk out" their grief, while men tend to grieve
in silence. Parents working outside the home may be diverted by their work, while those who stay at home are surrounded by constant reminders of their loss.
Some parents may fear for the safety of their other children and be reluctant to let them out of their sight, while others may be unable to carry on with the normal
responsibilities of family life. Relatives and friends offer help and condolences, and while the help is appreciated, parents may be emotionally unable to accept those
gestures of concern. At times, well-meaning people may inadvertently say the wrong things. Ignorance and misunderstandings about SIDS can complicate and aggravate the
situation.
The Impact on Children in the Family
Children are affected profoundly by a death in the family, and surviving brothers and sisters tend to feel dismayed and confused about the death of their sibling. Surviving
children unconsciously know that their lives will be forever shaped by that death. They may feel that they are now expected to live for two, or they build protective walls of
silence around themselves. Often, surviving siblings express confusion about whether or not they are expected to acknowledge that their brother or sister ever existed
(DeVita, 1993).
Surviving children may feel especially guilty about having resented all the attention lavished on the new baby. Did they somehow wish the baby's death? They may be
especially troubled in the case of a SIDS death because the baby seemed healthy and normal. They may be fearful because the infant died while asleep or at rest. Could it
happen to them?
Surviving children may sense that there is not enough parental attention and concern to go around, and they may try to cope on their own. Surviving siblings need to feel
confident that they can express their thoughts or questions about the death as they arise. Young children may have some very frightening thoughts that they cannot
express. Older children should be told as much as they are able to understand.
It is extremely important for parents to acknowledge the disruption to the family unit caused by the child's death; they need to convey to their surviving children that grief is a
very human process; it is a way to live with a loss. Otherwise the mourning phase of grief may never end.
The death of a baby is like a stone cast into the stillness of a quiet pool; the concentric ripples of despair sweep out in all directions, affecting many, many people (DeFrain,
1991).
The Repercussions for Relatives and Child Care Providers
Occasionally relatives or babysitters may have been caring for the infant when the death occurred. It is not uncommon for the parents to blame the relative, the babysitter,
or themselves for having left the baby. The relative or care provider should understand that the parents may not know how to talk about the death or understand the
provider's sense of loss. This creates a particularly stressful situation, and counseling may be helpful for all involved. Obtaining information from professionals is important
so that everyone understands the facts about SIDS and misunderstandings can be eliminated.
The Importance of a SIDS Support System
Members of support groups, counselors, medical and public health professionals, law enforcement personnel, and emergency medical responders, as well as members of
the community, may suddenly become involved in the private life of a family. Their support is important during the bereavement period. At especially difficult times, it may be
helpful for parents to talk with a member of a peer support group. Others who have experienced a SIDS death can help a newly bereaved parent by sharing his or her grief.
The group provides the opportunity to meet other parents who have experienced the death of an infant and who extend their friendship and understanding to newly
bereaved parents. In the group setting, parents are encouraged to talk about the baby who died and express their feelings about death in a safe environment. Gradually
parents begin to cope with their loss and are supported in the process (Mandell, in Culbertson, Krous, and Bendell, 1988). In addition to peer support, the family physician,
minister, nurse, or counselor should be able to provide consolation and assistance.
The Community's Attitudes About SIDS
It is extremely important that members of the community understand that SIDS is an accepted and appropriate designation as an official cause of death. Parents or other
caregivers are not responsible for the death and are not to be blamed. In some cases, members of the community may have viewed police involvement in a SIDS case as an
indication that the death occurred under suspicious circumstances. Sometimes parents have been wrongly accused of causing the death of their baby. Unfortunately that
still occurs, from time to time, today.
Many people who come into contact with the grieving family will have some role in helping them resolve their grief. The role of each will be determined by his or her
relationship with the family and the stage of grief that the family is experiencing at that time.
Families will always struggle to cope with the devastating crisis precipitated by the sudden, unexpected, and inexplicable death of a baby. The first essential in coping with a
bereavement involving SIDS is to grasp the fact that one is dealing not only with a dead baby but with a damaged family (Arneil, in Schwartz, Southall, and Valdes-Dapena,
1988). Below are suggestions for members of the community to remember when they come into contact with a family that has experienced a SIDS loss:
No one can take the pain away from the grieving family.
Pain is a normal part of grieving.
SIDS parents often cry, feel ill or depressed, or have other emotional responses months or even years after the baby's death.
SIDS parents often want to talk about their baby and are pleased when others talk about the baby or take the time to listen.
SIDS parents may welcome tangible reminders of their baby.
There will always be a need for compassionate support for grieving families. For until a cause for SIDS is found, parents and families will continue to be confronted by this
unpredictable--and currently still unavoidable--tragedy.